Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
