she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
