They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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