Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
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