I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
