saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
