So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
