Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
