Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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