I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
