there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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