At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
