she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I need moral support for this bender
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
