In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
