im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
