apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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