Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
