Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
