Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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