I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
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I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
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I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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