can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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