My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
