I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Randomize
