Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
