Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
