Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
