Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
