why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
