i jhust puked up my retainher.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him