tonight lets celebrate not being married
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
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I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
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I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that