don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
