paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
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We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
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You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder