I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
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Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
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I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.