I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
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