proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
