I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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