shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
