Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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