so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
