just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
