I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
