I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
