Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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