So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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