My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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