Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
