he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
