So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
