After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
