But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
