It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples