I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you win again, gameday.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Everclear isn't food dammit
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