He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
