Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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