my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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