just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
