he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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