I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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