Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
This is my gift to your gina
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
